1 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,320 Oh, here he comes - Mr Mop. 2 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,600 I don't use a mop, as well you know. 3 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:40,880 What are we looking at? 4 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:43,600 The most boring bloodbath I've ever seen. 5 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:46,160 Posh old lady disturbs burglar. He falls down the stairs 6 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:48,120 and dies. Case closed. 7 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:49,680 Didn't stretch the DC's expertise. 8 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,160 Poor old girl, though. 9 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,040 Oh, I wouldn't shed too many tears for her. 10 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,480 She's a pain in the arse. Tony! 11 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,120 What have I told you? Sorry. 12 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,720 He's right. She's a pain in the arse. 13 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,480 Get her precious floorboards clean, and I'll aim to bring you something more juicy next time. 14 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,080 Yeah, just no blood on curtains. 15 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,920 You've got a compulsion to kill - fine. 16 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,440 Do it in the bath! 17 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,480 How come you weren't at Villa on Saturday? 18 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:12,600 Someone was sick in my shoes. 19 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,600 Weasel? Of course Weasel. 20 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,240 Why do you keep hanging out with him? 21 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,560 I don't hang out with him. 22 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,560 I've been asking him to stop following me since primary school. 23 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,680 Took me ages to get 'em clean. 24 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,560 Poor Mr Mop - always cleaning. 25 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,320 I don't use a mop, though, do I, Ruth? 26 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,920 Oh, that's Sergeant Edwards, if you don't mind. 27 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,920 Hello? 28 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,560 Hello, it's Wicky from Lausen. 29 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,440 Who? Lausen, the cleaning company. 30 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:45,720 The police sent us. 31 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:48,760 Well, you're not the charming elderly gentleman I spoke to. 32 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,920 No, that's the boss. He sent me. 33 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,800 Although, when it comes to charm, I... 34 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:53,960 And you are? 35 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,120 Wicky. 36 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,080 And that's on your birth certificate, is it? 37 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,880 Sorry, Paul Wickstead. It's Wicky for short. 38 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:01,160 ID, please. 39 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,200 Step back! 40 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,640 It's not a wide-angled lens, man! 41 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:08,960 Jesus. Sorry, Nana. 42 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,400 Did you call me Nana? 43 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:13,400 No. You did. 44 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,800 You called me Nana. 45 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,400 Perhaps you'd like to meet Saltren. 46 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,920 Kill him, Saltren! 47 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,320 Bite to kill! Jesus! 48 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,600 There's no need to set a bloody dog on me. I'm only... 49 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,680 I don't have a dog. You don't? 50 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,400 Listen, I'm sorry about the Nana thing. 51 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:38,560 Boots off, please! 52 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,120 Oh, I've got covers. 53 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,760 Professionalism at last. 54 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:51,200 That vase - how much do you think it's worth? 55 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,360 Pfft. 56 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:53,800 200 quid. 57 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:58,280 It was valued at auction at £20,000. 58 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,680 Jesus Christ! What's it doing in the hall? 59 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:01,720 Exactly. 60 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,600 This is not a house where you may flail your arms around. 61 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,640 In here, your movement must be poised, thoughtful. 62 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:11,520 You must be a heron. 63 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,360 What must you be? 64 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:16,680 A heron? 65 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,320 A heron. 66 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,680 So where did it happen? 67 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,520 I'm kidding. I can see it happened there. 68 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,120 Sorry. Was it awful? 69 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,360 It must have been awful. 70 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:43,520 Devastating. 71 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:46,080 Absolutely devastating. 72 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,960 Oh, the...the footprints are from my cat. 73 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,320 She has been disciplined. 74 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,720 Primarily surface-level staining. 75 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:57,120 Original oak floorboards. 76 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,720 I mean, they're more porous than some, 77 00:03:58,720 --> 00:03:59,960 but not a disaster. 78 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,320 Yeah, full restoration. OK, this is a category six. 79 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,960 A category six? 80 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,440 Surface-level staining. 81 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,080 You got off very lightly, believe me. 82 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,000 Yesterday was a lump hammer killing 83 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,320 in a head teacher's office. I practically had to torch the gaff. 84 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,320 Oh. No, this is fine. 85 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,800 Don't you worry. 86 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,720 By the end of the day, it will be a distant memory 87 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,960 that a man bled to death here, in your home. 88 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:24,240 To business. 89 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,320 I'm sorry. 90 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:30,840 I'm sorry, it must have been awful. 91 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,280 It's a miracle that I survived. 92 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:36,880 At first, I thought the noise that woke me must be the cat. 93 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,560 God knows, she's a heavy-footed madam when she's tired. 94 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,520 When I came to check... 95 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,200 ..there he was. 96 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,320 He must have thought that I was... 97 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:51,200 ..I was out, because he looked shocked. 98 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:54,200 And that's when he took out a knife...this big! 99 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:55,840 Yikes. 100 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:58,400 He pushed me into the chair with such a force, 101 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,520 I still feel like I've been skiing! 102 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,320 God, skiing? Shit. 103 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:05,840 And then he demanded to know where the jewel safe was, 104 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,600 and I was not going to reveal that. 105 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,200 Hey! Now, that is silly. 106 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,240 Jewellery's not worth dying for... 107 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:14,480 ..unless it's really nice jewellery. 108 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,920 Yours is really nice jewellery, isn't it? 109 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:20,320 And that is exactly why I feigned passing out. 110 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,000 Clever girl. 111 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,200 Sorry. Lady. 112 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,640 Person. Go on. 113 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:28,240 Well, I continued to monitor him through one eye. 114 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,680 Classic half-peep. 115 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,520 Sounds like you played a blinder. 116 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:32,880 Well, a peeper. 117 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,680 Doesn't matter. Peepy blinders. Go on. 118 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,960 Well, I stealthily observed him 119 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,520 lowering swag through the window, 120 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:43,040 and he... Oh, I can barely bring myself to say it. 121 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,680 He was... Oh, it was monstrous! 122 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,920 It was awful! 123 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,480 Oh, God, what? 124 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,680 He stood on the sofa! 125 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:55,360 The cad! 126 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,640 I leapt to my feet. 127 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,080 "You!" I said. 128 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:01,480 "You may break into my home and rob my possessions, 129 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,480 "but you will not stand on that sofa in dirty shoes!" 130 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,200 He must have put the knife away and died of embarrassment. 131 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,280 Quite the reverse. 132 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:14,640 A smirk crept across his dastardly lips. 133 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,800 "This is what I think about your chair, 134 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,400 "you crumpled hag," he said. 135 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:25,120 And with one swift, awful movement, he did it. 136 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:27,720 What, the rip? 137 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,520 Well, as my grandson would say, 138 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,360 I lost my shiz. 139 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:35,280 You kicked him in the throat. I threw a cushion at him. 140 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:36,440 Also good. 141 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,000 It was a heavy cushion? 142 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,440 Well, he gave chase, 143 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,400 following me to the foot of the stairs. 144 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,720 But I have maintained senior Pilates 145 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,320 and am stronger than he had bargained for. 146 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,280 We grappled, but he lost his footing. 147 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,480 He grabbed at the shields, the clubs, 148 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,200 anything on the wall. 149 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,800 No respect for any one of them. 150 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,400 Then the die was cast. 151 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,480 I watched him tumble, 152 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,680 as if in a dream, 153 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:09,000 his fall broken... 154 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,080 ..by his own head. 155 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:14,720 Sheesh! 156 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,800 The sound his neck made on impact 157 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,840 will haunt me for life. 158 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,680 It was like... 159 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,400 Someone biting a Crunchie? 160 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,080 A mighty oak finally succumbing to the woodman's axe. 161 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:27,560 Yeah, that's way better, yeah. 162 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:31,840 I ran down to find him gasping in lungfuls of air. 163 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,800 He wasn't dead? I quickly arranged him into the recovery position. 164 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,200 Someone was a Brownie. 165 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,560 I was a surgeon in the RAF! 166 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:39,880 Yeah. 167 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,480 I made him comfortable, but, alas, 168 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,200 with a sickening gurgle... 169 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:47,400 ..he was gone. 170 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,720 Well, I think it's pretty cool that you even tried to help him. 171 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:54,680 I have lived long enough to know the right thing to do, 172 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,080 young man. Ha! 173 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,360 Next birthday... 174 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,600 ..I shall be 87 years of age. 175 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:02,640 Right. 176 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,360 You do not look 87. 177 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,880 Oh, that silver tongue of yours will get you anywhere. 178 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,120 Right, I'd better get on. 179 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,640 I have in mind you might care for a pot of tea. 180 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,040 I think I better earn it first, don't you? 181 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,960 And I'll start by getting that taken away. 182 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,520 What do you mean, taken away? 183 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,160 Sorry, did you want it re-covered? 184 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,600 Do you enjoy being 185 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,320 an ignorant pig? Whoa! 186 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:33,360 It's just a sofa. 187 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:40,440 The Bulldog himself sat there. 188 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,840 You're not talking about a real dog, are you? 189 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,560 Winston Churchill! 190 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:46,960 Oh, him! 191 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,080 Blimey, doesn't look like it could take his weight. 192 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:51,280 How dare you mock the great man! 193 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,240 Well, I mean, he wasn't shy at the buffet, was he? 194 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:55,280 Sorry. 195 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,280 Did you meet him? 196 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,960 Fleetingly, as a small girl. 197 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,840 My name is Vivien Hozier. 198 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:05,200 I am a niece three times removed. 199 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,960 My granny could get her whole hand in her mouth. 200 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,240 It has a rich history. 201 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:14,000 Balfour smoked on this very sofa, 202 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,360 Chamberlain sipped tea from the colonies 203 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,680 long before Winston faced 204 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,440 that twisted Austrian. Who? 205 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:21,600 Hitler. 206 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,000 Hitler sat on it? 207 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,360 Cool! 208 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,720 Hitler did not sit on it, for God's sake. 209 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,200 It is a symbol of everything that defeated him. 210 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:33,920 When we heard that my father had fallen in Normandy... 211 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:39,800 I have mourned on this very sofa! 212 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:41,960 Right! I won't get it taken away. 213 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,160 Hey... 214 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:46,680 Sorry. 215 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:49,680 My dad always said I've got a smart mouth, 216 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,160 but it's not connected to a brain. 217 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,160 He made up a song about it, actually. 218 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,160 He's a terrible role model. 219 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,160 You are a simple working man, 220 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,120 I understand that. 221 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,320 Yes. Yes. 222 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,160 You just want to do your job and get home. 223 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,400 I'll do a good job. 224 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,640 Probably can't even read or write. 225 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:10,680 Hang on. 226 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:14,640 Try and see this as a piece of history, 227 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,560 not somewhere to break wind and watch television. 228 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,080 Do you have a television? 229 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,440 Yeah. 230 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,480 Yeah, I'm going to get on. 231 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,760 I shall warm the pot! 232 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:27,520 How many sugars do you take? 233 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,960 I don't take sugar. Oh... 234 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,520 I must say I'm impressed. 235 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,640 You work with devouement. 236 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:53,560 I think you'll find I work with acetone. 237 00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:56,000 Another little joke. 238 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,520 Your job makes you happy. 239 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:00,240 I like that. It's just a job. 240 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,880 He really did bleed, this bloke, didn't he? 241 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,400 And would one...? Would one have to train to be a...? 242 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,600 A crime scene cleaner? Mm. 243 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,880 Of course one would train. Yes, of course. 244 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,240 Well, you're a cut above the woman who does the house. 245 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,720 I mean, she can barely dress herself. 246 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,400 You like your little role, don't you? 247 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,720 Well, I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to, but... 248 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,240 ..you do get to see how people live. 249 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:31,040 I mean, I say live - they're mainly horribly dead, 250 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:34,280 but it's a taste of another life, do you know what I mean? 251 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,960 It sounds stupid, but... 252 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,320 Well, go on. 253 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:44,360 If someone's died in their own home, 254 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,000 I, uh, I like putting things right for them. 255 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,600 "Put things right." How noble. 256 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,480 Well, better for things to be left as they were 257 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,720 in the happy times, you know, before... 258 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,080 Well, before their brains got splattered all over the carpet. 259 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:59,080 Oh, for God's sake, man. Sorry, 260 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,480 but you be thankful this one was fresh. 261 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,680 If they've been left, it can be rank. 262 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,360 Rank? You don't want to know. 263 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,680 Insects, bacteria - it's gross. 264 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,160 There was one last week... 265 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,640 I mean, the stench of decay in that room, 266 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:17,520 it was so heavy in the air, 267 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,040 it was like... 268 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:22,200 It was like my nan had farted in my mouth. 269 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,160 And she only ate ham. 270 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,600 Oh, God. Don't worry. 271 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,200 That's only when I do work for the council, you know, 272 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,160 with old people who've... 273 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,320 Died a solitary death, huh? 274 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,880 I'm sure you will live for many years to come. 275 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:41,120 I shall die at 93, like all the rest of my family. 276 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,720 Leave me your card. 277 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,320 I should like you to put things right for me 278 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:46,960 when the time comes. 279 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,600 Oh, I shall pay in advance. 280 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,120 Do you think you'll still be cleaning in five years? 281 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,520 And she still thinks I'm just a cleaner. 282 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,040 Observe. Oh, you can leave that. 283 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,840 It's an old stain. I've tried to get it out 284 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:01,000 for over a decade. Is that right? 285 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,040 Mm. 286 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,560 Oh... 287 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,400 Et voila! 288 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,880 Oh! Looks like the training paid off, doesn't it? 289 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,240 Oh, it's a miracle! 290 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:21,520 Could I borrow that? 291 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,520 I have a job it could make light work of. 292 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,240 You'll have to get me to do it. 293 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,480 This stuff's serious. You have to have a permit. 294 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:31,320 I once saw it dissolve an entire mouse. 295 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,360 You are rather good at what you do. 296 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,120 You sound surprised. I am. 297 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,640 Oh, believe me, I am. 298 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:42,080 Not on there! It's Regency, for God's sake! 299 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,120 This is a very confusing relationship! 300 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:03,600 Miss Hozier? 301 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:08,840 Miss Hozier? 302 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:23,080 Shut up! 303 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:33,280 Oh, my God! Do you want my heart to explode? 304 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:34,960 Tell me this isn't yours. 305 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:40,440 This house has been in my family for generations. 306 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,320 It's all mine. 307 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,840 You've got an Aston Martin? 308 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,240 Oh, that old thing. 309 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,680 That old...? This is a Volante. 310 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,800 It's one of the most beautiful cars ever made. 311 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,200 What is it, a '79? 312 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,480 '80, I think. 313 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,600 '80. 5.3 litre. 314 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:58,080 Have you any idea how much this car's worth? 315 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,160 At least five vases. 316 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,280 Do you know what? 317 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:09,160 I sometimes imagine that I'm cleaning up for the Mob, 318 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,000 like after someone's been whacked, 319 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,960 and this - this is my getaway car. 320 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,680 It's about the only way I could afford one. 321 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:20,040 I thought we had established that crime doesn't pay. 322 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:22,760 Ah, that'll be Sir James. 323 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,200 Hey, what was it you wanted me to clean? 324 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,600 Where is the bastard now? 325 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,440 I'll flog him myself! 326 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,000 He died in the struggle. He fell down the stairs. 327 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:38,280 Good! I've a mind to go to the morgue and flog him anyway. 328 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:42,160 Who would do this to an artefact, Sir James? 329 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,320 They don't know right from wrong! 330 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,920 Morals of a...howler monkey! 331 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,040 I'm amazed he didn't do toilet on it afterwards. 332 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,560 Now, have the police secured the building? 333 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,960 Oh, they've sent a man, 334 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,800 and he has nailed down the window for us. 335 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,040 Yeah. 336 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,360 Ah! Total botched job! 337 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,880 They're not trained for anything, that's the problem. 338 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,800 I remember the time when a bobby was a military man. 339 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:09,960 Discipline! Nowadays, it's children in long hats. 340 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,640 Hiya. I know the police sergeant in charge, actually, 341 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,840 and she's very good. 342 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,240 Who the hell are you? 343 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,840 Oh, this is Wicky. He's come to help clean up the mess. 344 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,000 Ah! A male cleaner! 345 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,440 The world's gone mad. 346 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,840 Women in pubs drinking pints. 347 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,040 Two boys taking over Penny's flower shop. 348 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,160 I'm telling you, 349 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,200 within our lifetime, we will be swapping clothes 350 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,480 and having sex with robots! 351 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,200 They're looking into that, you know. 352 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:42,360 Well, apparently, he's trained. 353 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,560 He has some special fluid. 354 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,960 You don't need chemicals on that stair, you need tallow. 355 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,160 What's tallow? Gah, I knew it. 356 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,160 I have some tallow. Oh. 357 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,080 I predicted this when I played golf with the Chief Inspector 358 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,120 last week. 359 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:01,280 Oh, there is social housing a moped ride from here. 360 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,480 All on benefits. Imagine... 361 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,960 They only go out of the house to rob. 362 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,240 Rest of the time, they're on their video games. 363 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,720 Won't be long before they evolve giant thumbs. 364 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,720 And what then, huh? Well, 365 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,400 hopefully, they'll starve to death 366 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,280 because they can no longer open their precious bags of crisps. 367 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,120 Tallow! 368 00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,400 Yeah, good girl. 369 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,120 Here. 370 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:26,200 Apply that. 371 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,640 Sorry, what is this? 372 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,680 Mutton fat! 373 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,680 I don't think I'm going to put that on the carpet, 374 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,400 because I think it might be insane. 375 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,640 There you have it. 376 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,720 Traditional skills lost forever. 377 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,320 Right, until this house is properly secured, 378 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,080 I want the whole area patrolled. 379 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,000 I'll go and put together a roster 380 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,120 from some of the Pony Club boys. 381 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,160 Gay boyband? 382 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:52,120 You ever been chased by a mounted man? 383 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,960 Not for ages. 384 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,280 A protester I once pursued soiled himself, 385 00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:58,680 front and back, 386 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,480 after merely hearing the thunder of hooves on turf. 387 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,280 The environment was the least of his concerns, 388 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,720 I can tell you. Hmph. 389 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:11,440 We will hunt them down like vermin. 390 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:13,520 You're so kind. 391 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,480 Yeah. 392 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,800 Bring a shotgun when I come back tomorrow. 393 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,280 You need a weapon in this house. 394 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:24,320 A weapon! 395 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,120 Sir James is very well connected. 396 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:44,600 He seems lovely. Mm. 397 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,480 I still can't believe the blood came this far, you know. 398 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,080 Doesn't make sense from a neck break. 399 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,360 Where were you standing? 400 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,720 Oh... In the middle of the stairs. 401 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,720 So why weren't you covered in it? 402 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,600 I... It must have missed me. 403 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,800 No, no, the spatter pattern means... 404 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,560 It means that you would have been... 405 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,080 Well, I must get on. 406 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,240 Hang on. 407 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,120 What was it you wanted me to clean? 408 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,640 What? 409 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,120 In the other room. What was it you wanted me to clean? 410 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:18,360 Oh... 411 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,000 ..it wasn't important. 412 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,920 A brass pig. 413 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,360 A brass pig? 414 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:27,520 A brass pig, my arse. 415 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,160 Where are you going? 416 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,120 You've done a pretty good job of getting it clean. 417 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,520 But to make blood undetectable, 418 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,160 you need a specialist fluid. 419 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:51,680 I'll make a pot of tea. 420 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,720 So he didn't die in the fall? 421 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:03,440 Well, I thought he had at first. 422 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,400 He really did land badly. 423 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,520 The sound was like a... 424 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:09,960 Yeah, yeah, mighty oak, Crunchie. So? 425 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:13,360 Well, I picked up one of the clubs he pulled down in the fall. 426 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:17,160 I wanted to be armed in case he came for me. 427 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:18,840 For when his broken neck had healed? 428 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,680 I was going to call the police, 429 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,920 I really was, but then I... 430 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,080 ..then I saw it again. 431 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,680 How could he?! 432 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:30,560 All of this heritage destroyed, and for what? 433 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:31,600 What? 434 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,560 Not the damn chair again?! 435 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,480 Barely remember picking up the club. 436 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,280 It was a beautiful swing, under the circumstances. 437 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:40,480 I've been taking lessons. 438 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,040 One clean stroke... 439 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:45,840 ..and it was done. 440 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,200 You killed him? Well, anyone would have done the same. 441 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,520 I wouldn't! 442 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,280 Well, what's done is done. 443 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,680 I must get on. 444 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,280 Wait! I can't let this go. 445 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,560 I have to report it. You murdered him! 446 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:05,200 And who will believe the cleaner? 447 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,240 I knew you didn't respect the training. 448 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,880 Oh, I have plenty of people to vouch for my character. 449 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,760 It's not inconceivable that you dreamt the whole thing up. 450 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,880 An admired member of the community 451 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,760 blackmailed by an unskilled labourer. 452 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:19,920 Unskilled? 453 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,600 I cleaned your lamp! 454 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,200 He was a common criminal. 455 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,400 Who will miss him? 456 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,520 How do you know what was going on in his life? 457 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:30,240 He might have a sick child. Oh, put your violin away! 458 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,520 An eye for an eye - it's in the Bible. 459 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,280 Oh, yeah. Thou shalt not steal, 460 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,480 or you'll get smacked round the back of the head with a golf club. 461 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:40,800 How much do you want? 462 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,240 You're not listening. 463 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,160 You could get an education, you could get a better job, 464 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:48,160 really make something of your life. 465 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,040 My job means that I can buy everything I need 466 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,680 and still have enough money 467 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,000 to give myself a hangover every weekend. 468 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,360 You cannot buy your way out of this. 469 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,240 Well... 470 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:08,880 ..I really don't have much use for that car. 471 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,200 What, the Aston? Yes. 472 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:15,280 I only use it for popping down to the shops. 473 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,680 I mean, that's the worst thing you've said today. 474 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,080 It's an Aston Martin. 475 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,440 Exactly. 476 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,080 Such a waste. 477 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,560 Ah... 478 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:25,000 I see. 479 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,440 Well, you can forget it. 480 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,760 I couldn't even afford to insure the damn thing. 481 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:30,880 Oh, I shall insure it for you. 482 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,640 Let's call it my advance payment 483 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,960 for you making things right for me. Hm? 484 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,600 Now, I must get on. 485 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:44,040 I have church later. 486 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:45,520 Miss Hozier... 487 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,360 Please, Wicky. 488 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:54,280 Please? 489 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,120 God, it's beautiful. 490 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,880 Weasel, what do you want? It was me. 491 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:22,560 What? I sicked in your shoes. 492 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:23,960 I knew it was you. 493 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:25,320 Oh, right. 494 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,840 It's just, Jen said you might have thought it was Fat Carl 495 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,200 and, at first, I was happy, 496 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,080 because you'd be cross with him instead of me, 497 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,560 but then I thought, if you end up punching him, I'll feel bad. It's OK. 498 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,360 I'll clean them if you leave them in the pub. 499 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,640 No, listen, Weasel. I appreciate you calling. 500 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:41,760 It's good that you did the right thing. 501 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:43,600 Hang on, it wasn't my fault. I'd had a bad... 502 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:50,520 Dammit. 503 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,640 Jesus! What the hell? 504 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,600 Ah, what did I tell you? 505 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,680 24 hours they've had, 506 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,520 and I was able to break back in from the side window! 507 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:09,840 Is that a crowbar? 508 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:13,160 Yes, an everyday crowbar, and I'm back in! 509 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,240 You people are in league with the underworld! 510 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:18,400 I'll have all your jobs. 511 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,600 Right. Well, you're the one who's broken the law. 512 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,760 Oh, well, we'll see what the Chief Inspector says about that. 513 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:25,440 It's called civic duty. 514 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,040 For God's sake! Get out! 515 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,840 I can't. What? 516 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,320 I have my trouser caught. 517 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:39,360 They're genetically modifying beef to grow like lettuce, 518 00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,120 you know. 519 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:42,720 No more farms... 520 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,560 ..just limbless cows on shelves. 521 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,560 Be quiet. 522 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:54,040 Right. 523 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,440 And they're putting chemicals in the water. 524 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,120 I've seen crows the size of Labradors. 525 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:06,960 Go home, you silly man. 526 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,000 Yeah... 527 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:14,800 She's a fine woman, you know, Vivien Hozier. Good stock. 528 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,480 She deserves something more than this. 529 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:44,000 Get...off...my...sofa! 530 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,840 Wait... Wait! 531 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,440 Oh, no, no! 532 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,080 It's ruined. Look what you've made me do! 533 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,400 It's ruined! 534 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:58,440 Miss Hozier... 535 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,000 Why don't you understand? 536 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,240 It's my history, it's my family! 537 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,720 It isn't. They don't care about the chair. They've gone! 538 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,600 He didn't deserve what you did, Vivien. 539 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:14,960 Well... 540 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,680 ..I imagine you... 541 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:19,480 ..you have to make a phone call. 542 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,440 Yes. I'm sorry. 543 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,280 What are you doing with that? 544 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,120 I'm putting it back where it belongs. 545 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:46,200 My barrister is a great admirer of my artefacts, 546 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,840 and I'd hate him to see things out of place. 547 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:49,960 Your barrister? 548 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,040 Yes, he's on his way. 549 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:53,760 He doesn't think I'll have a problem. 550 00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:56,040 The circumstances, my reputation... 551 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:57,600 He doubts it'll even come to court. 552 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,320 You have your way of cleaning up... 553 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,280 ..and I have mine. 554 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:09,000 Right. 555 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,240 No! 556 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,560 It was just a sofa. 557 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,200 Well, well, well, Mr Mop. 558 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:57,960 A call on my private phone. 559 00:27:57,960 --> 00:27:59,520 This is an unexpected treat. 560 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:02,200 What? 561 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:04,680 What's up? 562 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:09,600 No. No, fine. We'll come now. 563 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:11,560 OK. Yeah, thanks. 564 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,320 Dammit!